I Picked Up a Pencil After 20 Years—Here’s What It Taught Me About Creativity & Self-Doubt
I spent most of my life focusing on outcomes—grades, achievements, promotions. I chased results like my worth depended on it (because for a long time, I thought it did). But somewhere along the way, I forgot about the feeling of creating.
Then, after 20 years, I picked up a pencil.
Not for work.
Not to be “good” at it.
Not to achieve anything.
Just… to create. And let me tell you, it messed with my head in the best way possible.
The Moment I Realized I Hadn't Created for the Sake of Creating
I literally dug out my old art supplies from my first round of college (Interior Design, if you’re wondering—one of three degrees I collected like Pokémon).
I sat down, pencil in hand, and immediately heard my own inner critic:
“You’re not an artist.”
“This is going to look terrible.”
“Why are you even doing this?”
And that’s when it hit me.
I had spent so much of my life focused on results that I’d forgotten the value of doing something just for the experience.
The irony is that my career was built on being “creative”—but the structured, problem-solving kind. Not the “let’s sketch a tree because it makes me happy” kind.
So I sat there, drawing leaves (because the art gallery I’m possibly submitting to has a tree theme…wild, right?), and I realized how different this felt. It wasn’t about proving anything. It wasn’t about being good. It was about feeling something in the process.
Creativity Without a Goal Feels Weird (But That’s the Point)
Let’s be honest. Creativity often gets shoved into two categories:
You’re naturally gifted. (aka, “You’re an artist.”)
You’re a lost cause. (“Stick to your day job.”)
But what about the rest of us—the people who just want to make something without feeling like we need a title for it?
Creativity isn’t about being good.
It isn’t about making money.
It isn’t about being “productive.”
And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to allow ourselves to do it.
For years, I thought if something didn’t have a purpose (or a measurable outcome), it wasn’t worth my time. But that’s perfectionism talking. That’s hustle culture talking. And frankly, it’s a load of crap.
Perfectionism Is the Thief of Creative Joy
The moment I thought, “Is this even good enough to share?” I knew perfectionism was creeping in.
The same voice that kept me pushing, overachieving, and proving myself in my career was now trying to ruin the simple joy of sketching some dang leaves.
The truth?
You don’t need permission to create.
You don’t need to be good at something to enjoy it.
You don’t even need to share your work—unless you want to.
But I realized something else, too.
The act of creating—doodling, painting, writing, whatever—actually makes us better at everything else in life.
When I create for the purpose of feeling joy, I feel less anxious, more present, and more in tune with what actually makes me happy.
Which, ironically, makes me better at the work that does pay my bills.
What This Means for You (Because I Know You Need to Hear It)
Maybe you used to paint. Maybe you played an instrument. Maybe you loved writing random stories as a kid.
But somewhere along the way, you stopped.
Not because you didn’t love it. But because life happened.
And maybe, like me, you started believing that if something wasn’t productive, it wasn’t worth your time.
So here’s your reminder: Creativity is for you, too.
Pick up the paintbrush. Write the bad poem. Doodle in the margins of your planner.
You don’t need to “deserve” creativity.
You don’t need to be “good” at it.
You just need to do it—because creativity isn’t about the outcome.
It’s about how it makes you feel along the way.
Final Thought (and a Slightly Terrifying Next Step)
Will I submit my leaf sketches to the art gallery? Maybe.
Will I call myself an “artist” because of it? Probably not.
Will I let that stop me from creating? Absolutely not.
So if you’re waiting for permission to do the thing you love (even if you don’t think you’re good at it)…
Here it is.
Now, go make something messy.
Break first. Bloom later. Create freely.
🌿 Kris
